you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
