no one should ever give us hovercrafts
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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