Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
