i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
