I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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