Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
