Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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