Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
