it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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