we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
