Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
