dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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