I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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