i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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