I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
