Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
