i barfeds in our rink
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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