I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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