Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
