I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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