I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
