You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
