So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
