I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
