i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
