i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
