so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
