Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
