My sheets look like a crime scene.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
