Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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