I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
