dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
