i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
