how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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