We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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