i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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