I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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