Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
