Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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