He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
time to smoke my breakfast
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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