Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
We were destined to go to rehab together
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
