I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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