My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
she looked like the before picture.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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