So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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