I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize