Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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