I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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