so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
