I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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