Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
