You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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