Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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