so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
