i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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