Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
