I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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