Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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