Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Randomize
