The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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