I could make wine with my vomit
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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