Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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