I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
