He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
