So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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