My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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