Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
