Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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