i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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