We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
