could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
