Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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