did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Swine flu. Run for my life!
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Randomize
