it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
