last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
