Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize