he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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