You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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