I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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